


the tears and the fears (you will never know)

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, I'm so sorry, M/M, TW: Suicide, inspired by the definition of anathema
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 13:17:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7509874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>anathema: something or someone that one vehemently dislikes.<br/>an abomination, an outrage, an abhorrence, a disgrace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the tears and the fears (you will never know)

**Author's Note:**

> if you are triggered by suicide PLEASE be careful. read at your own risk.  
> take care of yourself, frens. your safety is more important than some fanfic.

Tyler Hated Josh Dun.

A lower case hate wasn’t enough to describe the complexity of his dislike for Josh Dun, he soon realized while ranting aggravatedly to his then girlfriend. But Hate, with a  _ capital-fucking-Hate _ , was close enough. 

He always saw the wispy mess of bright pink hair prancing around the school grounds with a careless smirk on his stupid face, laughing at everything Tyler held dear- school, sports, grades, success. Tyler figured there wasn’t a single thing Josh Dun cared about, besides his stupid dyed-different-colors-every-year hair. 

(Administration hated Josh Dun.)

Tyler, on the other hand, dedicated himself to succeeding. It wasn’t like he had much of a choice, in the end, but he was dedicated nonetheless. His family revolved around success- winning games, winning scholarships, hell, “winning” the spot as valedictorian next year would make his parents keel over with excitement and pride. He had to win, had to make his parents happy. He couldn’t stand to let them down. 

He Loved his parents. 

And he Hated Josh Dun.

“Just let him be,” Jenna whispered calmly, reaching out and grasping Tyler’s hand, but he could already feel the simmer of anger underneath his skin. 

Ten minutes, and English class would be over. Ten minutes, and he’d be giving Jenna a ride home. He’d probably give her a kiss before she slipped out of the car and went inside her house. He’d be filled with love for the pretty blonde he was blessed to be dating. 

For the next ten minutes, he could either ignore the pink haired mess on the other side of the room and finish reading the assigned chapter of  _ The Great Gatsby _ , or he could absolutely lose his shit and call out the stupid Josh Dun that he Hated. 

Another snicker. Tyler’s eyes flicked up. He watched as Josh tossed another crinkled piece of paper across the room, completely and utterly missing the small recycling bin he probably hadn’t even been aiming for.

“Tyler,” Jenna murmured in warning. 

Fists clenched. Tyler’s eyes bore holes into the side of Josh’s head, until he swore the boy could’ve felt it, because a second later Josh was meeting his gaze and  _ smirking _ . 

_ Problem _ ? The problem mouthed. 

_ You _ , he mouthed back.

The boy he Hated laughed.

The bell rang. 

~

_ Jump. Shoot. Miss. Curse. _

Tyler was running out of time to complete his baskets for the day. 

He could’ve blamed it on the destruction of tradition that afternoon- usually his brother would join him and they’d practice together, defending the driveway hoop against each other as they Troy Bolton-ed across the pavement and practiced. But today Zack had gone to a friend’s house to do some lame volcanic science project, leaving Tyler to complete baskets alone. 

He could blame it on that, but he’d be lying, and Tyler Joseph wasn’t that filthy of a sinner.

_ Jump. Shoot. Miss. _

“Damn it,” he muttered, stumbling over to retrieve the ball. 

“Need some help, all-star?”

Tyler nearly shrieked, but instead gripped the basketball for dear life and jumped around to face the voice, nearly combusting with rage at the first glance.

Josh Dun.

“What are you doing at  _ my house _ ?”

Josh Dun laughed, twirling his keys around on his index finger with a wide smirk on his stupid face. “Ruining your practice,” he sassed. “My parents are pissed ‘cause I’m failing classes. And your parents-” he jerked his thumb toward Tyler’s house, and Tyler’s jaw nearly fell to the pavement- “signed you up to be my tutor.”

“No.”

“Yup.”

“No, as in,  _ no _ ,” Tyler grumbled out, turning to face the driveway hoop.  _ Jump. Shoot. Basket.  _ “I’m not doing anything for  _ you _ .”

“Ten bucks an hour from my folks says otherwise, according to your folks.”

“Not nearly enough to put up with you.”

Josh threw his head back and cackled, jogging forward to steal the ball away before Tyler could retrieve it. “C’mon, dude, like it’ll kill you to study. I’m the one who should be complaining.”

“Yeah, and why aren’t you?” Tyler complained.

A shit eating grin spread across Josh’s stupid, stupid face that Tyler Hated. “Because this,” he answered, gesturing at Tyler and the Hate practically radiating from his body, “is too much fun.”

Tyler stole the ball back and grumbled something intelligible. 

This was not going to end well.

~

“Okay, this is an easy one. What does the green light at the end of the dock represent?”

“I dunno.”

“Dude, this is the  _ easiest _ question in the entire packet.”

“And I don’t know the answer.”

“Hope.”

“Yeah, I hope you don’t beat me up, too.”

“No,  _ hope _ . The green light represents hope.” A pause. “Beat you up?”

Josh shrugged, turning his head aside and scribbling the word  _ hope _ underneath question number five on the packet in front of him. “You get so angry,” he chuckled, lips twitching upward briefly. “I’m amazed you haven’t tried to kill me yet.”

“Don’t wanna give you the satisfaction.”

“That’s fair.” 

“Okay. What does the motif pale gold used throughout the novel represent?”

“I dunno.”

“Seriously?”

“Gold. Wealth?”

“Yes, but  _ pale _ gold.”

“So, like… albino wealth?”

Tyler slapped a hand to his forehead. “You’re hopeless, I swear. It’s  _ fake _ wealth. Everyone in the story is putting on a show, especially Gatsby. Nothing’s really what it seems.” Josh turned to scribble down words again, and Tyler sighed. “Why don’t you even try to figure it out yourself?”

Josh shrugged again. “Dunno.” 

“I don’t believe you.”

“You’re smart, then. Figure it out.”

Tyler frowned, leaning back against the side of his bed and staring down at the wide eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg on the front of his copy of  _ Gatsby _ . “You really don’t care?”

A hollow laugh. “Can’t afford to.”

A narrow glare. 

Tyler hated Josh Dun.

~

“Do you think Gatsby loves Daisy?”

Tyler turned his head to look at Josh, brow furrowing together. “Not really.”

“Thought so.”

“Why?”

Josh shrugged. He did that a lot. “He doesn’t act like Daisy’s… real? Like she’s a person.”

“Yeah,” Tyler agreed softly. 

Josh’s eyes averted to the floor, tennis shoes toeing at the pavement outside Tyler’s house. “They both want to go back to the way things were, don’t they?”

“So you do pay attention.”

At that, Josh cracked a smile. “Duh.” A pause. “I’m not stupid.”

Tyler stopped. “You aren’t stupid,” he affirmed. 

“You don’t think that, though.”

“What, that you aren’t stupid?”

“Yeah. You Hate me.”

Tyler paused, glanced past Josh at his car. Looked back at his house. “No.”

“No?”

“Wanna hang out?”

“You don’t.”

“I’m not asking me, I’m asking you.”

Josh nodded.

“Okay.” Tyler nodded back. “Okay. Do you like coffee?”

“Are you asking me out?”

Tyler’s face blazed bright red. “I have a girlfriend, stupid.” He froze. “You aren’t stupid.”

“I am.”

“You aren’t,” Tyler insisted. “And if you say you are again, I might actually beat you up.”

Josh smiled.

He hated Josh.

~

Josh waved at Tyler from across the campus. Tyler merely shook his head at the gesture, but there was a smile on his lips, not a frown.

“Oh my god,” Jenna mumbled softly. “I think the universe just broke.”

“Huh?”

“You don’t want to brutally murder Josh Dun,” she spoke slowly, “and he just  _ waved _ at you.”

Tyler just shrugged. “Parents have been making me tutor him,” he explained. “Guess he isn’t that bad.”

“I was right. The universe  _ is _ broken.”

“Nah, I was just…” He paused, considering. “Wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“Yeah. He’s a good guy.”

“He’s a slacker. You cannot stand slackers. You faint at the  _ mention _ of slackers.”

Tyler snickered, nudging Jenna in the side with his elbow. “Shut up,” he mumbled. The minute bell buzzed over the intercom, and their hands disconnected. “Drive you home?”

“I have cheer practice,” she lamented. “I’ll text you after.”

“Alright.”

“I Love you,” Jenna murmured, leaning up and pressing a kiss to Tyler’s cheek.

“I love you.”

~

Josh was Upset.

“I can’t believe he did that,” he grumbled, arms tightening around his knees so tightly Tyler feared he’d lose the circulation in his arms  _ and _ legs. “No. That’s not the end, right? There’s more.”

“That’s the end.”

“I’m Mad.”

“It’s a social commentary,” Tyler tried explaining, but Josh was inconsolable.

“This jackass  _ killed off Gatsby _ , I don’t care what it is.”

Tyler frowned. “You really liked Gatsby.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Josh shrugged. “Do you not like Gatsby?”

“No, I do. But I’m not having an existential crisis because Gatsby, a fictional character, died.”

A faint blush spread across Josh’s cheeks. It was cute. “I dunno,” he lied. 

“Tell me.”

Josh shrugged. “He wanted to be better,” he mumbled. “Wanted to be somebody.”

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Act like you’re nobody.”

Josh froze, and tightened his grip on his knees until his knuckles went white. “Don’t pretend to care. Please.”

“I’m not pretending.” 

“Tyler-”

“I’m not, and I hate that you think I am,” Tyler sighed. 

“You Hate me.”

“No,” Tyler assured him. 

“Well I do.”

“Hate me?”

“No,” Josh corrected. “Hate  _ me _ .”

Tyler reached over and pried Josh’s cold, white hands off his knees. Wide, frightened eyes blinked up at him.

“I Care about you.”

~

Josh got an A on the final quiz for  _ The Great Gatsby, _ to the complete and utter non-surprise of Tyler. 

“Thanks for helping me.”

“No, this was all you.”

Josh laughed and shook his head. “You’re the tutor here, not me.”

“You don’t need a tutor.”

“Tell that to my GPA.”

“Josh,” he insisted. “You aren’t stupid.”

“Tell that to my parents.”

~

josh: there’s a gatsby movie with leo dicaprio in it

tyler: i know

josh: i wanna watch it

tyler: live your life

josh: do you wanna watch it?

tyler: with you?

josh: no, with leo dicaprio

tyler: sure

tyler: with you

josh: i’m honored

~

Josh cried when Jay Gatsby died.

The second Leo fell into the pool whispering, “ _ Daisy _ ,” he lost it. Tyler wasn’t entirely sure what to do- he hadn’t quite adjusted to the atmosphere of Josh’s bedroom, small and grey and distinctly not-Josh, and now Josh was crying next to him. Josh, the full-of-himself, bright pink haired, smirking, laughing slacker, was crying, and it Hurt.

“Josh,” he murmured, scooting over on the bed and wrapping an arm lightly around the crying boy’s shoulders. 

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s sad.”

“He just wanted to be somebody. Wanted to be Good Enough.”

“I know.”

“Tyler, I don’t want to die.”

Without thinking, Tyler closed Josh’s laptop and pushed it aside, pulling the shaking, crying boy into his arms and hugging him tightly to his chest. Josh melted into him, arms flopping uselessly around Tyler’s waist, letting himself be held. He cried into Tyler’s chest as quietly as possible. Tyler stroked his soft pink hair, shushed him and rocked him and rubbed his back in soothing circles.

“Josh, it’s okay. It’s just a movie. It’s a made up story.”

“I don’t want to die.”

“You aren’t going to die.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I’ll protect you,” Tyler whispered. 

Josh peeked up at him suddenly, eyes red and wet and Sad. 

“Are you Nick, then?”

Tyler shrugged this time.

Josh hid his face in Tyler’s chest. “No,” he whispered, so softly Tyler barely heard him, barely made out the words breathed into his shirt. “I think you’re Daisy.”

A sharp pain wracked straight through Tyler’s chest.

“I couldn’t forget you if I tried.” 

_ ‘Cause I love you. _

~

A week before the basketball championships, the school’s favorite couple broke up.

Tyler and Jenna didn’t sit together in English class, for the first time that year.

It was strange. For their entire high school career, he’d been half of the Poster Duo of Triad High School. Tyler and Jenna. The basketball star and the cheer captain. 

Broken up. Over and done with. 

“Sorry about you and Jenna,” Josh told him that afternoon. 

Tyler shook his head. Everything felt numb. “I’m not Sad,” he assured Josh. “I don’t think it was really meant to be.”

“Do you believe people are meant to be?”

“Maybe. Why not.”

“Dunno.” A pause. “I think I’m too scared to belong to anyone.”

“I understand.”

Tyler drove home alone, thinking about Josh.

~

It was warm outside. Tyler sat on the pavement under the driveway hoop, rolling his basketball back and forth between his legs. 

Josh hadn’t texted him for a full day. 

He didn’t want to worry about it. He shouldn’t have worried. Josh didn’t owe him a text. Josh didn’t belong to him. He was allowed to hang out with other people, or watch movies with other people, or confide in other people, or kiss other people-

_ Oh. _

Tyler scrambled over to the grass, the soft grass where he’d set his phone down, safely away from the basketball. 

“Hello?”

“I Love you.”

“What?”

“I… sorry.”

“No, wait… wait, you… what?”

“Sorry. Forget it.”

“Can I come over?” Josh’s voice was small.

“Please.”

_ Click _ .

A split second later, Tyler began to panic. He couldn’t believe it. This boy, this pink haired, careless boy, the boy he Hated, he… didn’t. How had he not  _ noticed _ ? How did he  _ miss _ it?

It very suddenly hit him why Jenna had suddenly broken up with him. What he’d been ignoring.

Hate didn’t become Love overnight.

Panic seized up in Tyler’s chest, and his phone fell back into the grass. What was he doing? What was he thinking? Was he thinking? 

_ You’re supposed to Hate slackers you’re supposed to love Success you’re supposed- _

A little grey car pulled up in front of Tyler’s house. The engine shut off, and Josh stepped out. 

He looked so small, so small and fragile.

“Tyler?” he whispered.

Breath caught in his throat, Tyler shuffled forward, meeting Josh on the sidewalk. “Are you okay?” he asked softly. 

“Yeah. Are you?”

“Yeah.” Slowly, Tyler reached forward and grasped Josh’s hand. He heard the quiet gasp Josh let out at the sudden touch and felt his heart jolt giddily in his chest at the sound. He laced their fingers together carefully, watching Josh’s expression. “Is this okay?”

“It’s… yeah. Yeah, it’s… yeah. Good. It’s good.”

“Wanna come inside?”

“You… hoops?”

“Forget ‘em.”  _ But you Hate slacking and Love Success what are you doing what are you. _ “You’re more important.”

“I’m not.”

“Josh.” Wide brown eyes met his sheepishly, and Tyler sighed. “Come inside?”

Josh nodded.

They held hands until supper time, which Josh was invited to- though he politely declined through nervous stammers that Tyler translated helpfully. 

“You Care,” Josh whispered.

Tyler nodded. “Yeah.”

Before Josh climbed back into his car, he glanced over his shoulder and offered a shy smile.

“I Care, too.”

~

Second semester, they began reading Of Mice and Men. 

“Wanna come over and read?”

“Yeah.”

And that’s how Tyler ended up with Josh in his bed. 

Some stuff happened before then, like Josh shuffling around nervously, toying with the book in his hands and mumbling soft, “no”s and “stop it”s at Tyler’s every compliment and horrifying pick up line. He ended up blushing such a bright shade of red Tyler feared he might discolor his face permanently.

And then he kissed Josh. On the lips. And then. 

It was a blur of Care and Love and Adoration, of warm skin and soft lips and quiet whines and stifled moans that made shivers run up and down Tyler’s spine. Josh was a mess of nervousness and desire, staring up at Tyler with such strong Love and Hope that Tyler really didn’t know what to do with himself.

“I Love you,” Tyler whispered into the crook of Josh’s neck. “I  _ Love _ you. I Love you. I Care.”

“Love you,” Josh sighed, head tilting back. A soft whimper spilled over his lips as Tyler’s teeth grazed the column of his throat. “ _ Tyler _ . Love you.”

Love. Love. Love.

“Josh.”

~

zack: was that josh

tyler: what?

zack: in ur room

tyler: oh

zack: it’s cool if it was

tyler: okay

zack: are you happy?

tyler: really happy.

tyler: i Love him

zack: then i’m happy for you

~

Jenna found out.

“Oh my god,” was all the warning Tyler got before a mess of blonde and Horror flooded his vision. “I knew it. I  _ knew _ it.”

“Knew what?”

“You and Josh.”

Tyler stared. 

“You… you’re  _ with _ him.”

Tyler’s eyes bugged out, face gone blank and white. He was Afraid. “No, I’m… it’s not. We aren’t.”

Jenna let out a haughty laugh. “But you wanna be.”

“And what if I do?” Tyler spat. He was shaking. He was Afraid. “What if I do? You don’t own me.”

“It’s a sin. Wouldn’t want your  _ good Christian family _ to find out.”

“Is that a  _ threat _ ?”

Jenna sighed. “No.” Footsteps thundered behind him, carrying away. Tyler spun around on his heel and watched as Josh ran. “I just don’t want you to get hurt. Or him, honestly. His family is just as bad as yours.”

“Fuck.”

“What?”

“Fuck, he  _ heard _ you.”

“No, Tyler, I-”

“Shut the fuck up, he  _ heard _ you, oh god- he’s Afraid, Jenna, he’s- he’s fragile, I-”

“I’m sure he’ll be O-”

Tyler ran.

~

tyler: josh she isn’t gonna tell anyone

tyler: unless you wanna tell people

tyler: i don’t even know what we are or if you want us to be anything

tyler: all i know is that i Love you

tyler: josh?

4 Missed Calls: tyler

tyler: please be okay please 

tyler: i Love you. let’s watch gatsby again tomorrow.

~

A school counselor visited first hour chemistry.

“Last night, something happened to one of your classmates.”

No.

“I know a lot of you were very close with him.”

No.

“But Josh Dun… took his own life last night.”

No No No No No No No

“His parents say he struggled with some very serious mental illness, namely anxiety-”

“No.” No No No No NO NO NO NO NO  _ NO _

Tyler ran. Out the door. Out the hallway. To the parking lot. Fell to his knees.

No.

He couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t see.

Dark Angry Hurt Sad No No No No Why  _ PLEASE _

Josh

Love

~

The Dun family invited the Joseph family to Josh Dun’s funeral. It lasted too long. Too many Fake, Insincere words were said about him.

Then they buried the coffin.

“Come on, Tyler.”

“Give me a moment.”

And he was alone. 

“I didn’t speak at your funeral,” Tyler mumbled. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of tear stained notebook paper. “They didn’t ask me to, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to talk to Them. I want to talk to You.”

Tyler unfolded the paper.

“A month ago, I Hated Josh Dun. He was everything I hated- a slacker, careless, directionless. He didn’t know what he was doing or where he was going, and I couldn’t stand it. And I was wrong.”

Grief.

“Because Josh is one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. Forget his GPA. Forget school. He understands people, understands emotions, better than anyone I’ve ever met. He understands. He feels.”

Hurt.

“And I Love him. God, I really, really Love him. I’ve never Loved somebody like I Love Josh Dun, and I don’t think I ever will. So, Josh…”

Despair.

“If you can hear me.”

Hope.

“You are smart. You are worth it. And I will never…”

_ Love _ .

“Ever forget you.”


End file.
